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April 1, 2016

Name calling can lead to success in business

Scientists in Nevada have proven that insulting people actually makes them want to do business with you.

If you accuse conservatives of being racist, or liberals of being traitors, they start to like you, says Dr. Maidup of Jusjoshing University in Southern Nemoland County.   Generalizing about people who disagree with you, or labelling people who you disagree with as “bad people”, actually wins business.

Dr Maidup came to this conclusion by observing behaviour on LinkedIn.  He observed many people who claim to be successful, and discovered that spend all day calling each other names and posting insulting political memes.

These people are so successful, that most of them don’t appear to have to work for a living.  Rather than having jobs, they are consultants, bloggers, or have other professions that free them from doing any activity that may actually earn an income.  They may complain about not having clients, but really, they don’t need any.

“Being a total jerk to everyone you meet is a good way to be successful,” Dr Maidup said, “Hey, it seems to work for politicians and talk show hosts.”

Other success secrets of Dr Maidup include proving that you’re a genius by solving simple maths problems, taking online personality tests, and sharing your email with data-miners who claim that it will get you a job.

One way to test if you are successful is to put your hand in front of your face, to see which is bigger.  This works best if someone else is in the room, and able to slap said hand to said face.