INT. VIDEO RENTAL SHOP

VASCO, accompanied by a SMALL CHILD, walks up to the counter looking lost.  Two of the EMPLOYEES take a step backwards before he says a word, the third is transfixed to the television set, watching reruns of “Friends”.

VASCO

Excuse me, do you have Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

One of the employees rolls her eyes.

EMPLOYEE 1

Pee what?

EMPLOYEE 2

I never heard of it either, how do you spell it.

VASCO

Pee double e double u double e

The employee looks around for hidden cameras.

EMPLOYEE 2

Nothing for that, sorry.

EMPLOYEE 3 (“Friends” fan)

Maybe, just try “big adventure”.

Employee 3 is still watching Friends on the screen.  Employee 2 types the words in.  Then shakes her head.

Employee 1 and 2 shake their heads in embarrasment.  The small child looks up to see what’s going on.

VASCO

What about March of the Penguins?

Employee 3 leaves her tv show behind and leads the customer to the documentary section.  The other two employees relax.  Employee 1 even smiles.  He finally asked for a movie that actually “exists”!

Same old story.  I went to the video rental shop, and they never heard of the film I wanted to borrow.  So, I checked Amazon.  It was only available in Region 1. We could see the trailer online, but we have to get a new machine to watch it.

This has happened to me five times.

5.  Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985).  I saw this film as a kid.  I loved it.  I remember when the bus driver scarred the living noodles out of the girl who sat a few seats away from me.  I think the whole cinema shook.

I couldn’t really do justice by quoting it.  So much of the magic of this film is in the delivery.  I’m not saying the script wasn’t great, just that everyone in it is such a genius that you really have to see it to experience it.

This is a classic.  Come on, it’s like Tim Burton’s first proper film.  It’s a crime against cinema not to stock it.

4. Maytime (1937).  This film is probably terrible.  Noel Langley claims to have written the script in three days. He also claims it was a b0x office success.

(Of course, he had an operetta and a treatment in place to work from before those three days started.  And they probably had someone else helping on set.)

I don’t know how valid Langley’s claims are, but he was one of the many writers involved in Wizard of Oz, so he must have had some talent.

Maytime was released on DVD apparently, but I haven’t found a copy.  I guess you can get it used in Italian, but for that price I want a new one.  And I really want to see the screenplay that he wrote “in three days”, which may not be what’s on film.

Ok, so I don’t want to see the film that much.  That’s why I said “Four films” I wish I could see.  However, if it’s showing I’ll come along.

3.  Married but Single (1940) aka This Thing Called Love. The script for this was written by a few people, including uncredited Wizard of Oz writer George Seaton.

No, I never saw this film.  I don’t know how long it took to write.  I don’t even know how well it did at the cinema.

But in doing research for my dissertation, I remembered it.  I’d read about it before.  You see, the director was credited for some great ideas that came from the writer.

There’s a scene where the husband slams the door just in time, and the wife throws something at it (a shoe I think.)  As the door closes, and the shoe hits, we see fifty marks on the door, and “know” that they’ve had the argument fifty times before.

I want to see that film with people who never heard of it, and see if they “know” what’s going on.

2. Little Fugitive (1953).  A kid thinks that he killed his brother, and runs away to Coney Island (which was then a big amusement park).  It just sounds fascinating.  In fact, this film is said to be one of the influences of François Truffaut.  All that, and you can’t find it in region 2.

1.  The Extraordinary Adventures of Mr West in the Land of the Bolsheviks (1924).  I don’t normally like propaganda films, but this was a classic developed by the creator of the Kuleshov effect, Lev Kuleshov himself!

I saw one clip when I was studying cinema in France, and it looked like the funniest Russian film I ever saw.

I want to tear it apart, to see how montage influences the comedy.  I want to rant about how politically motivated it is, how none of that is like real life.  But mostly, I want to watch it and have a good laugh!

If you own the DVD rights to any of these films (except for Maytime), and have some originals, I will help to get them published here.  Include some Mister Hulot and we have a festival of missing classics.

Oh, and March of the Penguins was OK, but I liked Winged Migration better.

Soon afterwards, Gordon Brown decided to call it a day and give Cameron a chance to go gray.

Now that resignation is all the rage, some of us lesser mortals may feel left out. We like our jobs, but we want to join the trend.

So, we can ghost a resignation letter from our favorite fictional character. Perhaps Sancho Panda is sick of playing second fiddle to Don Quixote. Or maybe one of the Wicked Witch of the West’s flying monkeys is considering a career change.

The deadline for this contest is the end of the month (31 May). Post your entry as a reply to this blog. Winners will be announced in the usual places.

The extreme film where character “is” plot is The Muppets Christmas Carol.  (this post contains spoilers.)

Scrooge is the plot.  He is the guy who made things as they are, and he is the one that suffers the consequences.   Only his actions can set things right at the end.

The film, in a way, is about Scrooge, and so is the story.  The other characters do not change, except perhaps in their attitude to him.  Without Scrooge, there is no story.

That’s not to say that he is the theme.  The theme is greed verses charity, or the Christmas spirit, or the love of money verses the love of our fellow man.

No, it’s not just about Victorian England.  Sam the Eagle accidentally tells the young Scrooge “Business, it is the American way”.  Gonzo then whispers in Sam’s ear, and Sam corrects himself  and says “it is the British way.”

We see here that the film is not about a particular time, or a particular injustice, but it has a universal message.  It tells each of us that we can make a good or a bad difference in the lives of others.

Scrooge is the sole master of his destiny.  His story is our story.  We are either watching to change our ways, or to hope that a “Scrooge” we know will change his.

Anne Frank is the opposite story.  She has no control over the Holocaust.  She can only keep quiet so that her family and friends aren’t caught.

Anne Frank seems similar to Tiny Tim.  She tries to understand Hitler’s madness.  Unlike Tiny Tim however, Anne is facing an irredeemable foe.  We know this is history, and we know that she can’t change her fate.

Yes, Anne Frank’s story is a unique story, she was an individual.  But the plot that affects her affected millions of others.  Millions of other stories can be made about other personalities in the same situation, and all could be true.  The plot is not her own doing, and it is not something she can change.   The people who are responsible do not interact with any of the major characters.

Most Holocaust films do not promote a universal theme.  Yes, films are made in the hope that this will never happen again.  But do we relate this movie to other genocides?

Are Holocaust films are meant to show the universal effect of man’s inhumanity to man?  We don’t have Sam the Eagle making that Freudian slip there for us.  These films are about one terrible part of history that we can’t go back and change.  Character isn’t plot here, history is plot.

The Christmas movie is the best example of “Character is plot”.  The sports movie, especially when it’s a one-on-one sport, is usually the next closest thing.

Rocky is the plot.  Sure, some other wannabe boxer might have the same story.  But every step of the way, he’s the guy calling the shots on what he’s going to do.  He’s not a helpless victim of some great big tyrant.  No, he’s not all that powerful either.  But he gains strength through his actions, he goes from a loser to a somebody.  Without Rocky’s actions, there is no plot.

Unlike Scrooge though, every other character’s actions make a difference too.  Adrian could decide she doesn’t like Rocky.  His competitor might stop fighting as hard and lose form.  Anyone’s actions can change the plot drastically.

In a war movie “history is plot”.  We know how the war happened, who won, and how much damage it caused.  No character has the power to prevent all those deaths, and no character has the power to change history on his own.

Most war movies aren’t just about one character.  They are about a team, who are in turn part of a larger team.  What they do affects their teammates survival and their own honor.  The hero didn’t create the situation, and no one can solve it alone.  One man may desert, but he’s only making himself into a coward, the war will be won without him.

A hero can move a plot, or the hero can be moved by it.  But what about when the hero moves against the plot, or the plot belongs to a minor character or even the villain?  To be continued…

Well, today he’s been replaced by the MySpace musician who has emailed you a link to his song. You listen to it, and find a little box asking for a five pound donation.

Personally, I’d rather drop a coin at some guy playing live music in the subway, or drawing a charicature of me in Paris.

I’m sure the tax man disagrees. It’s much easier to freeze a Youtube filmmaker’s PayPal account than it is to follow around some fire breather with an open guitar case. But really, most of these artists don’t make enough to pay taxes, do they?

Unfortunately, graffiti is still around (and terrible graffiti at that). We still see panhandlers and con artists (online and off). But whatever happened to the big city “honest beggar”? Where is the street artist now?

Am I a dinosaur here? Has the Internet destroyed the street artist?

On February 3 2011 (Chinese New Year), Brown and Cameron have agreed to dress up like giant Rabbits to ring in the “Year of the Rabbit”. They will then declare the end of the Gregorian Calendar in England and Wales. (Northern Ireland and Scotland to follow after a fixed referendum in 2013).

By the year 2028, Cantonese will become one the UK’s official languages, with English being phased out by the end of the century.

This won’t be the first calendar change for Britain.  Leaving the Celtic calendar for the Roman calendar and temporary adopting the Germanic Wo Odin calendar, England (and most of Europe) then adopted the Julian Calendar.  (Greg and Julian weren’t even British!  Can you believe that?)

Welsh and Scottish tribes have a variety of calendars.  In response to the news, a dazed out man holding an open bottle asked “What day is it anyway?!”

The Gregorian Calendar was invented at the end of the middle ages to take into account the irregular ratio of days to years.  (Yes, dear old Gregory gave us the leap year.)  The UK didn’t adopt it until the 18th century, when there were rumors that Julian was being traded for A.C. Milan.

And when Russia adopted it under Lenin, “yesterday” was more than ten days away.   According to the Gregorian Calendar, the October Revolution actually happened in November.

But will any of that matter now?

by Aryu Zerias

Or are you just sick of rejection letters, and want to reject someone else for a change?

Share your frustrations by writing your own rejection letter to a fictional character.

The winner will get credit on this blog and within the participating networking groups.

If you’re too lucky to know what a rejection letter looks like, an example has been provided. Sorry Mr Igor

Deadline 19 March 2010 at 2 pm.

(You can enter for free.  Simply add your entry, or a link to it, as a comment on this blog.)

——

Edit: Winners announced. 

Lubna made me laugh and I’m glad to have her posts on the blog.  Laura Sherman’s was also entertaining. Any of their posts could have been a winner.

This time I’m going with Donna F. Hammett’s rejection of Scarlette. It captures the Old South, and looks authentic.

The winner of the “Write On, Networkers!” entries was Caroline Koepke’s rejection of Elmer Fudd.

I checked my old geography books. Everything from the Twentieth Century tells me that:

• the Indians have an Ocean,
• the Arabians have a Sea,
• and the Persians have a Gulf.

Somebody wanted to change that.   Why?

We give people names all the time.   The hardest name for me growing up was “What you call your friends’ parents?”

In The Cosby Show, the patriarch’s son-in-law calls him “Dad”.  It’s funny to watch Bill Cosby’s character react.  It asks a question of whether this is appropriate.

The son-in-law could also call him Mr. Huxtable, or Heathcliffe.  Another option is Sir, or he could make up a nickname.  The name “Dad” reveals that Bill Cosby’s character has indeed gained a son, whether he likes it or not.

Meet Dave shows another way to address people in a strange situation.  Dave’s crew doesn’t know how to act on Earth.  They start greeting people by immitating a Sales woman’s greeting.  “Welcome to Old Navy”.

To me, it was funny on many levels.  Sure, Eddy Murphy is great at being silly.  But it also reflects how I feel when signing an email to a stranger.

I usually mimic whatever the other guy says, even if it sounds very odd to me.  If I get a Hi Vasco, I return a Hi Dave.  If I get a Dear Mr. de Sousa, I’ll reply with a Dear Mr. Ming Chang.

I feel like a robot when I sign off as “Regards” or “All the Best” and only include my first name in a business email.  Having grown up with only “Love” and “Sincerely”, all these other greetings are foreign to me.  I only mimic those around me to “fit in”.

But sometimes, I won’t mimic others to fit in.  I don’t smoke around smokers or swear around those who swear.  I won’t lie just because “everyone is doing it.”

So let’s get back to The disputed Gulf.  I won’t call it “The” Gulf. I used to live near the Texan Gulf (sorry, err, the Gulf of Mexico).  That, to me, is “The Gulf”.

And I don’t see any point in calling it the “Arab” Gulf.  Why not change the English Channel to the French Channel?  Or the Irish Sea to the Welsh Sea?  Besides, “Arabian Gulf” is too close in name to the Arabian Sea.

I’ll go with the Persians on this one.  I may have my differences with the current government of Iran*, but no one can be wrong all of the time.

Now, what do I call my father in law…?

*(“I ran, you ran, we all ran from Iran, because they were being mean.” )

A lot of the public domain material out there is terrible.   If you look, you may find a gem, but that takes almost as long as writing one yourself.

So you look to experienced screenwriters.

Q. How do you get an experienced screenwriter to write you a screenplay?

A. Give the screenwriter what they want.

Q. What do screenwriters want?

A. Money and/or to get their film made.

How can you give a writer enough money to write a feature film?  This can take a year.

One thing you can do is option the screenplay, which is make a down payment to reserve the script until you get the rest of the money.  This can cost significantly less than commissioning an entire script, upfront at least.  And the option is something you can use to attract investors and pay for the top crew, cast, etc.

A good script, when optioned, can also be used to attract the cast and crew to your project, bringing credibility to your project when you show it to investors.

Still, why would a screenwriter want to settle for an option and not be paid everything upfront?  Because, besides just money, they want a guarantee that the film will be made.

At first, an option doesn’t look like a viable guarantee that a film will be made.  A multi-billion dollar (or pound, or euro) studio, with the money and know-how to make high quality a film, might prefer to buy a script outright.

And, as a beginning filmmaker, an option might not be enough to convince a talented and experienced screenwriter to send you a script.  It also may not be enough to convince investors to invest in your project.  You might need to first prove your abilities as a filmmaker.  Is this a catch 22?

It may seem like a catch 22, but there are ways of proving your ability without making a feature film.

One of those ways is by making a short film.  And even the shortest film starts with a good script.

But where do you find a good enough short script?  Something that can be shot on a reasonable budget, that is professional?

I’m sure you’ve all seen short scripts written by people who think screenwriting is easy money.  Although useful, screenwriting software shared by thousands, perhaps millions, does not produce a professional, just as seminars attended by hundreds every week do not produce experts.

In some parts of the business, people buy one book and nominate themselves as instant experts.

Wouldn’t you prefer a screenplay written by someone who tells stories to children every night?  Someone who has seriously studied storytelling since the first time he heard a ghost story by a campfire?   Someone who has been writing screenplays for well over a decade and can still enjoy films that are made for a mass audience?

Perhaps you’d prefer someone who has written screenplays for his own films, someone who has done the math and knows how much a certain shot will cost.

How can you get one of these writers to write a short script for you?  Make a small investment.

Think about all the money a good script could save you.  How much are you willing to spend on long seminars, expensive courses, over-rated software, or long winded and pretentious sounding books, only to find out some are useful and others are worthless?  Wouldn’t you rather spend your time, talent and energy on becoming a better filmmaker?   Wouldn’t you rather someone else did all that research for you?

A good script can help you attract the right kind of people to your project.  It’s the starting block for any good film.

There’s nothing more important in making movies than the screenplay.
- Richard Attenborough

Vasco Phillip de Sousa has been involved in the production of every kind of short film: from music videos to gangster films to documentaries.

He knows which effects can be done on a budget, and which ones are easier said than done.

He knows what will make a child laugh, and what kind of story will captivate a grown up.

Vasco wants you to get your film made, so that later you’ll come back for more.

The firing squad’s commander decided to shoot the retiree first, because he had the least time left to live. So, they blindfolded the poor old guy and the commander shouted:

“Ready!”

“Aim!”

The retiree, an avid birdwatcher, thought he saw a frigate bird (also known as the hurricane bird) in the distance.  So he immediately (and enthusiastically) shouted “Hurricane! Hurricane!”

The firing squad panicked and ran away. When they came back, the retiree had gone off to invent the game of golf.

Next they decided to shoot the “job seeker” -  in this economy he had the least to live for.

So they put him against the post and the commander shouted:

“Ready!”

“Aim!”

In the heat of the day, the job seeker hallucinated and thought he saw his girlfriend dancing with a cup of water and calling his name.

“Marcia!” he shouted with a dry mouth. “Give me some!”

The firing squad thought that he saw Martians, and they ran away screaming their heads off.

Well, when they got back, the jobseeker had gone off to establish himself as the world’s first career counsellor, and only the head hunter was left.

When they tied the head hunter to the pole, he was a very happy bunny.  He “knew” these assassins were idiots who’d run at a moment’s notice, and knew just how to outwit them.

So when the commander shouted “Ready!”

“Aim!”

The head hunter looked out into the distance with a false but convincing cry of alarm and interrupted:

“Fire, Fire, Fire!!”

Soon after the smoke cleared, the commander got a promotion and his squad were given hefty bonuses (subsidised by the taxpayer of course.)

Adapted from a playground favorite by Vasco Phillip de Sousa

Johnny starts planning his career. This one he’ll give for free: he’ll promote the script on websites like shooting people, talent circle, and scripts for sale. Then, when he wins an award, he’ll sell a concept written on a napkin for a record amount of money and retire.

Personally, I never had that dream. To me, screenwriting is the day job, and I plan to write at least another 30 features before I retire. Many talented writers get paid far less than lawyers, agents and other work of a similar nature. Many take on “low paying” jobs in teaching because full time writing doesn’t pay them very much at all.

But Johnny doesn’t know this. He gets home, drags his muddy shoes on the carpet, opens Final Draft, and starts typing with two fingers. The stress of his job – the way his boss yells at him, the endless cutting and pasting – pushes him to the limits of despair, and suddenly it’s as if he can’t write a word.

Should Johnny quit his day job and go into writing full time? Should he take a writing course to motivate him? Probably not.

In Johnny’s case, writing block is a good thing.

Imagine if he does write that “award winning” screenplay. So Johnny beats out 50,000 other contestants and wins about a year’s salary in some screenwriting contest, and offers his script to some director who’s latest Youtube short has a million views.

That director makes Johnny’s film, and it’s a riot.  Johnny’s boss’s kids see it, and they burst out laughing. Johnny’s best friend sees the first half of it, and she laughs. When the broadband connection stalls the video one too many times, she promises to watch the rest later.

In the middle of the night, Johnny gets a phone call. His best friend has now seen the whole film, and she’s appalled. He wonders why she doesn’t have a sense of humour, only to be met with a dial tone.

Johnny goes to work the next morning, and his coworkers avoid his gaze, except for the janitor who congratulates him for a film well made.

The janitor, usually quiet, suddenly becomes the biggest mouth in the whole town.  He recounts the funniest parts of the story the way a child recounts a Pixar film.  The janitor’s laughter is filled with such sincerity, it’s as if the whole room is suddenly filled with joy.

Johnny looks up at his boss.  The boss, like Johnny’s friend, has no sense of humour.

Johnny isn’t sacked immediately.  He’s just put on hold.  People don’t tell him where his mail is.  His contract isn’t renewed.  His job description is changed so that you suddenly need a specialist degree that Johnny doesn’t have.

Down at the country club however, Johnny’s the talk of the town.  Everyone encourages Johnny to write another hit, so he does.

This time, Johnny thinks he’s on form. He’s writing a real winner, and Hollywood will love it.

However, no one with money cares that Johnny had an Internet hit. Some will credit the director, the actors, the editor, or even the score with the way the film came out. The dialogue, they say, was wooden, the structure forced.

He goes back to the director, but that guy’s got a new sucker writing the next script.  The “producer” doesn’t have any money, and doesn’t plan to look for any either.

Johnny’s back at square one, make that minus one.  He’s got the screenplay to fill the gap in his cv, and employers are asking him what the script was about. Some have a hearty laugh when they find out, but none want to be the subject of a future satire.

Now, this is an extreme case which I just made up off of the top of my head. A much more likely scenario is that Johnny gets a great idea, stays up late writing it, and is too tired to do his day job properly. If it’s based on his real life, it ends up looking more like a rant than a screenplay.

˙ʇǝɹƃǝɹ ɹǝʇɐן p,noʎ ʇɐɥʇ ƃuıɥʇǝɯos ƃuıʇıɹʍ ɯoɹɟ noʎ sdoʇs ʇı ɟı ‘ƃuıɥʇ pooƃ ɐ ǝq uɐɔ ʞɔoןq s,ɹǝʇıɹʍ